Breaking Up is Hard to Do, For Real

April 15, 2010 at 11:25 am | Posted in Relationship Woes | 3 Comments
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When I broke up with my college boyfriend after four years, I was a complete wreck.  It wasn’t the type of thing that happened over night.  We had started to grow apart and eventually I gave him an ultimatum.  Some things needed to change otherwise it was over.

But things didn’t change, and one October day I realized we weren’t meant to be together.  Everything I had known, everything I had planned, it just wasn’t right.  For the next six weeks I cried constantly, drank wine, consulted my close friends and mother on how to end it and if that was the right thing to do. I listened to a lot of sappy music, and I wrote!  I didn’t write creatively. Instead, I took notes on all of the “significant” relationships I’d had in my life – what the circumstances were in terms of where I was mentally, why we got together, how long we were together and why we broke up.  The majority of my relationships were just complete crap.  I had such low self-esteem when I was young that I couldn’t take anything or anyone seriously, and so no one took me seriously.

When I got together with my college boyfriend, I really thought he was different, and it many ways he was.  He treated me so much better than any other guy had before.

I also wanted to tie myself down so that I wouldn’t be so wild anymore.  My college boyfriend kept me safe from my out-of-control self.  But he also kept me away from my friends, not completely intentionally, but nevertheless did. I devoted myself to him and him to me.  I was happy for a time.

But as we grew up and started to work and rent apartments, we began to grow apart.  He became more unreliable than ever and I missed hanging out with my friends.  I wanted a relationship that was a partnership, and I knew at this point I was worth more than what I was getting.

So we broke up one cold Thursday night in December before the holidays.  I had already bought him a gift.

The hardest part of breaking up was realizing that I had spent four years thinking I was going to marry this guy.  That was the next logical step.  I wouldn’t have married him for love.  As a passionate person I wondered how I could have lied to myself for so long.  He’s a great guy, just not for me, and all of my friends knew it.  How come I didn’t see it?  It’s amazing how much of yourself you can shut out when you’ve been damaged.

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3 Comments »

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  1. You are INDEED a passionate person. And you need someone just as passionate. Its always the hardest, one, to realize this person just may not be right for you, and two, actually telling the person that they’re not right for you. I know its one of the hardest things in the entire world to do, especially when there are no significant event deal breakers, IE: he cheated, he is going to jail, he (god forbid) hit you. The sad realization things aren’t working is almost harder than waiting for a ‘deal breaker event’. And for that, my dear girl, takes a LOT of strength.

    Approaching your 30’s is scary and particularly scary when you’re doing it with someone you’re so uncertain about. You’re not suppose to see it when you’re in the middle of it. No one does. Its when you finally get the chance to step out for and critique the relationship as an outsider, when you finally see whats going on. And being such a passionate person, love isn’t logical. Its emotional and completely irrelevant about how you run the rest of your life. But its when the love takes over the rest of your life, is when you finally get that chance to reflect (hopefully). You did the right thing….and I’m EXTREMELY happy to have you back. 🙂

  2. Thanks Dezzy! Well said! Happy you’ve been on this journey with me! My friends legitimately had to pull me out of the fire to see the truth so thanks sugar!

  3. Bold step! I was shocked when it happened. Liking the blog!


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