Pushing Thirtyy

When we are young, we are taught all kinds of lessons designed to protect us from the dangers of the world.  It’s a balancing act — protecting children by giving them the tools they need to be safe when they aren’t with their parents and hiding them from the true horrors that can lurk behind any dark shadow, in any neighborhood — no matter how safe its reputation claims it is.

Most people crave a sense of safety and security, in many forms.  It’s not just about fears related to people trying to harm you.  Sometimes, the fears are more intimate.  Sometimes we actually can fear parts of ourselves — things we said that we worry were taken the wrong way, turning out like that relative that embarrassed the family, making poor decisions.  Fear comes in many, many forms, as does security.  And when I think of security, I think of my partner.  Whenever I worry about something, the thought of him has the power to calm me down.

But not everyone needs security in the form of a partner.  More and more people are finding that they would be better off alone, or at least that’s how they feel for as long as they are young.  When I was 20, the need for the security of a partner hit me hard.  I didn’t like the decisions I was making and having a partner meant that I always had someone to come home to, someone who was going to care no matter what.  For me, the security of a relationship kept me in check, kept me on the path to reaching my career goals.  I was done stumbling in relationships.  I needed to concentrate on my future and the responsible adult I was going to become.

But that was a different security that I have now.  That was me protecting from myself, even hiding myself from the parts I thought were harming me.  That was me learning that you can have one loyal partner, a good friend and confidante.  That was me learning that I had value. But I had to come back to me.  I had to feel the freedom to be me.

Freedom and security are sometimes at arms.  People often say that when two people get together, they lose their individuality, their personal identity.  But it doesn’t have to be that way, not all the time.  One can find security in a partnership and still be their own person, so long as they keep themselves in check and have a supportive partner.

I will always be a person who relies on security in some way or another.  I’m never going to be the person who up and quits my job to chase a dream without having financial back up.  I will always desire to have a back up plan should the proverbial shit hit the fan.  And I will fall.  I know I will.  But knowing I have a partner I can rely on is enough security for me.