Back When I Was Married

September 27, 2012 at 7:30 am | Posted in Relationship Woes | 2 Comments
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I was having lunch with a colleague of mine recently, an older woman, about the age of my parents.  Her husband recently died suddenly, leaving her a widow.  She is a very positive person as I know her and she was grateful that he went peacefully.  From what I recall, she was back to work pretty quickly.

This happened about a year ago, so I’m unsure of what stage she is in in the grieving process, but something she said struck a chord with me.  I don’t even remember what we were talking about or what she said after this one line — that’s just how much it stuck out to me.  I still haven’t completely digested it yet, but hopefully in writing this I will be able to unpack the idea a bit.

She referred to her husband by saying, “Back when I was married…”  For some reason, perhaps because I am young, I never really thought about the “’til death do us part” part of the vows in any real detail.  It’s a hard idea to digest at this age.  I’ve always thought of this phrase in the light of both of us being old and never thinking we weren’t married even when one of us passed on.  Perhaps it depends on the age that it happens, but it is weird to think about being separated from your life partner by something beyond your control.  Of course, the alternative means of being separated are clearly unsavory, but I just never thought too deeply about separation by natural means.

I hope I never have to think too much about it, but in studying my colleague’s grieving process from afar, it seems that she has gotten comfortable with her new reality.  Though she may refer to herself as being unmarried, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love and miss her late husband, but she’s not living in a fantasy world either.  I think it shows great strength and I admire her for being so grounded in a tough reality.  I hope, when the time comes for my husband to be and I to part ways, hopefully we will be very old, but we’ll leave each other knowing that our love lives on.

A little musical complement to this post below.


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  1. This post really hit my heart. Losing a spouse whether by death or divorce is truly a new reality, just like you point out. I just don’t know if the grieving process ever ends.

  2. Lana Del Rey great new artist. Song is amazing.

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