Pushing Thirtyy

Frozen

When I first started this blog, I had a new job, my own apartment, was just a few years into my relationship with my then-boyfriend, and had a clear vision and goals for what I wanted to do by the time I reached 30.  There was so much hope and potential, and starting the blog helped me re-engage in a part of myself that I had ignored for far too long.  That is why every time I think of my lack of blogging as of late, I get upset.

The last time I stopped writing was many years ago, in my early 20s.  A journal page or two every so often, and that was it.  I was lost.  I was back home from college but I was different from when I left, and I didn’t know how to get to that next stage in life or reconnect with my former life.  Now I find myself in the same predicament.

As a writer since I found my craft back in middle school, filling up a journal a year wasn’t unusual, so when I wasn’t writing, I always had to wonder why.  I write as a creative release, to get my emotions down on paper, and with this blog, I was taking another step in figuring out who I am and learning from my experiences.

As of late, I have found myself stuck in this in-between, no longer pushing thirty, no longer a 20-something with all the time in the world and excited about new responsibilities, possibilities, and opportunities.  No longer coming to any new realizations about growing up.  I mourn the loss of this time in my life in some ways, and am looking for the pieces of the past that I can bring with me into the next phase of life, the pieces that will tie it all together.  But right now, I feel like I am sitting in this middle, this gray area, surrounded by uncertainty.  Yes, I have goals, but I’m no longer confident that I will reach them. As much as I may strive, it is not within my power to ensure that they are reached.  I keep trying, I keep reaching, but not one stroke of luck, one sign, one encouragement has come about.  There is only so far I can take it without fate stepping in and guiding the way.  What keeps me going is simply that I have no other option, that I can’t rewind time, that things change if given time, but time is so hard to rely on.  

So as I close out 2013, I look to a new year somewhat blindly.  Somehow, I will become unfrozen.  Somehow life will change as it always does, but how, I don’t know.

So as for New Year’s resolutions, I don’t know. I just don’t know.  All I can do is laugh often, enjoy my time with those I love, and embrace the opportunities that come my way.  Only time can predict my fate.