February 4, 2014 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Today I will walk the dog, go to work, then school, then come home.  My husband will pick me up from the train since it will be a late night and my dog will greet me as he always does — with more joy and excitement than people running for free food.  A typical day in the life of a 9-5er, with one difference.  Today is my birthday.  

Today I will hear from many people, some who I haven’t heard from in many years, perhaps who happened to catch on their Facebook events that today was my special day, perhaps some remembered today was the day from our history together, perhaps they will see this post and respond. Whatever the case may be, all outreach will be with good intentions and well wishes. Happy that I’m celebrating another year on this earth.  It will warm my heart as it does each year just knowing that I haven’t been forgotten and that people, at some level, care about my well-being.

And maybe that’s just what I need.  Maybe my birthday will be a chance for me to get back in touch with myself and my self-worth. Somehow, maybe, this will reignite the fire in me that keeps me striving for more but has been dimmed many times.

In reviewing my birthday post from last year, I found some thoughts that still resonate with where I am today.  I am still experiencing this “now what?” moment.  I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to make things happen that are beyond my control. As much as I know I can’t control everything that happens, I can’t help but watch as the plans I laid out for myself, the goals I intended to reach, now have additional hurdles placed in my path. I’m discouraged.  I’m starting to doubt myself and what I am capable of.  It’s not fair. None of it is.  That lesson is something I review time and time again.  Sometimes opportunities don’t present themselves to those who deserve them.

But that doesn’t diminish all the good. That doesn’t diminish all that I have achieved.  That won’t stop me from continuing to achieve, dream, and try.  I need to not be so hard on myself.  It may not all be going the way I had planned, but if I let it, it can be something even greater than what I expected.

It all starts with me.  I have to break through this.  I have to get back to writing.  I have to keep smiling and laughing.  I have to keep living. I have to recognize opportunities that may look different than I expected.  I have to keep hope alive and have faith.  I have to loosen my grip on control.  I can’t control the fact that I’m getting older, but I can control my perspective on it.

It’s okay to be a little lost. It’s okay not to have a plan or for that plan to go awry.  It’s okay to take it as it comes.  It’s important to be happy, to not take things too seriously, to not take things personally.  These are the things I will keep telling myself as I wander through this strange and unfamiliar part of my life.  I will explore, I will try, I will fail.  I will get back up again. Every time. And smile.

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  1. Amen!

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