You Never Knew How I Really Felt

September 16, 2010 at 7:37 am | Posted in Relationship Woes | 8 Comments
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I recently caught up with this guy I knew when I was a teenager. We weren’t really friends, but we hung out with the same group of people, so we crossed paths often. He told me that he used to have a crush on me.  I was really surprised by this, as I really didn’t expect it.  There was never any sign, and I never really gave him a second thought.

This made me think of the crushes I’ve had, and the relationships where I never told my partner how I really felt about him.  Would it have made a difference?  Would I have gotten the guy if I had told him how I felt?  Would I have dated someone else if he was upfront with me?  How would that relationship have changed the course of my future dating life?

People tend to hide their true feelings.  Most of my friends would say that I’m an exception to that rule; that I have no filter. There’s no stopping me when I get talking.  But the filter doesn’t apply when I’m expressing my feelings about someone I care about, someone who may or may not know that I exist; someone who unknowingly, has destroyed my confidence and broken my heart.

It’s hard to overcome the fear of being rejected.  It’s even harder to hide your feelings, living in denial, never knowing what could have been if you just spoke up.

Everything happens for a reason, they say.  But not everything just happens.  Sometimes, you have to make things happen.  Sometimes, you have to risk the pain of being rejected in order to grow.

We all have regrets.  I wish I had said this and not that.  I can’t imagine the impression I’ve left on people.  I don’t know how they see me, or if they will even remember me.  I was flattered when this guy told me, after all these years, that he had a thing for me.  Even if nothing would come from it, he still made me feel good.   That may be the most you can expect from opening up in such a way.

So I have no filter. I often regret things I say, thinking they came out stupid, or weren’t as carefully thought out as they could have been.  But it’s in the things you don’t say that cause even more regret.

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