Dividing Assets in a Break Up

March 22, 2011 at 7:28 am | Posted in Relationship Woes | 7 Comments
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If you think there are only two people in a relationship, you are wrong.  Sure, there are only two people in the bed (typically) but there are many more in a relationship, and sometimes you don’t realize this until the couple breaks up.

It’s been years now since I broke up with my college boyfriend, but I remember this feeling well.  I remember being sad about losing my connection to his family that I really cared about, about missing his dog that I fell in love with.  At the time, he didn’t bring too many friends to the table because they lived all over the place.  We typically hung out with my friends.  So when we broke up, of course my friends, who had also become his friends, all took sides.  Some of my friends I guess thought I was wrong to break up with him and took his side, but mostly my friends stuck with me.  It was really only my newer friends who didn’t really know me or our relationship to be fair judges so while it sucks to lose them to him, it wasn’t that painful of a loss as it would have been to lose friends who I had a long history with.

My ex and I eventually were on good terms, talking occasionally.  We were together for a long time and while the break up was tough and painful, it wasn’t filled with hatred and revenge.  Recently, we have lost touch and I have wondered why I wasn’t hearing from him. So what do you do when you lose touch with someone and are wondering what they are up to?  Well, in this day and age you turn to Facebook.  This is where I learned that a good friend of mine, one I know I “got” in the break up, was friends with him on Facebook.  I had a brief feeling of shock and “WTF” before rationality kicked in and I realized it is really just Facebook.  I have a ton of friends on Facebook that I don’t talk to and are simply connected to because we knew each other in another life.

But it’s not just friends you can lose in a break up, and it doesn’t happen just in romantic relationships.  It can also happen in friendships that fall apart.  Unconsciously (ok, sometimes consciously) you start avoiding places you both used to go, or you flip your routine so you go when you know that the other person wouldn’t be there.  In a way, you end up reinventing yourself.  With my ex, I really needed to and was ready to.  But sometimes, you are just forced into doing so.

I sometimes think about what would happen if (God forbid) I broke up with my current boyfriend. If things went awry, or he finally got sick of me.  My life would change drastically.  We mainly hang out with friends he brought to the table who I would have to give up.  He’d have to give up my dog that he’s fallen in love with.  Then there’s the apartment we share.  Home would never be home again.  We’ve built such a life together it would be so hard to untangle that I would consider up and moving away from it all.  And I’d be alone.  For a long time I would swear that I’d never date again, that I was sick of putting in the effort, that I didn’t want to get hurt again.

I guess it all comes down to finding yourself again, and loving yourself again, no matter what was lost.  Because the truth is most people will come and go and sometimes you just have to be comfortable being alone, and sometimes you have to be open to change, and at some point you will open your heart again, forget the past and move on.

Hey, Jealousy

February 15, 2011 at 7:27 am | Posted in Relationship Woes | 5 Comments
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Jealousy is one of the most complex emotions a person can have.  When a person feels jealousy, there is often some insecurity within him/herself that has nothing to do with the subject of their jealousy (other than to be a trigger).   But jealousy can also drive a person to improve their situation.  It can also trigger healthy, and unhealthy competition.

I have yet to know a person who has not experienced jealousy in their life.  And it starts early, and matures with you.  When I was a young teen, I remember being jealous of my friends with boyfriends because I couldn’t figure out how to get me one.  I would say things like, “I can’t be around happy couples.”  That just sounds so ridiculous typing it, but it goes along with my point — sometimes jealousy seems ridiculous, but it’s an individual experience.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, my jealousy was in full swing. He had a ton of female friends, and I thought he was such a catch, there is no way that he isn’t going to give in to temptation.  How could I ever be enough for him?  There were some girls that paid entirely too much attention to him, and we fought about it, because he was too nice to push away these girls who he considered just friends (guys are not as good at spotting the sly ways women slip themselves into a man’s life).  I was more than happy to fight for my man, and eventually, didn’t have to anymore.

My jealousy now in terms of relationships is very fantasy-related.  I feel the jealousy flair up when there’s an attractive woman on tv, or even worse, a half naked woman in a movie.  Is that what he wants me to look like?  How am I supposed to compete?  I’m not, obviously, but I’m not going to hide the fact that the way the media perpetuates what women “should” look like absolutely effects my body image, makes me feel insecure, and eventually turns makes me jealous.  This is not the path to which jealousy should come about.

Because jealousy isn’t always a bad thing. A little bit of jealousy can keep you on your toes, can keep your relationship interesting, keep you from getting so comfortable that things get boring.

Just don’t let that jealousy go too far.  Nobody likes a crazy jealous bitch.

A Few Blog Highlights from 2010

December 28, 2010 at 7:50 am | Posted in Career Moves, Family Ties, Friends Then and Now, Life and Living, Relationship Woes | 2 Comments
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What a year it’s been.  I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was this time last year, and about all the good things 2010 brought me.  For one thing, I started this blog, and I’ve truly enjoyed sharing my experiences with all of you.  I’ve gotten to know bloggers and fans from all over the world, and I’ve become increasingly dedicated to this creative outlet.

But even before I started blogging this past April, I was in a serious mode of change.  I started a new job on March 1, and my brother got married on March 14.  Looking forward into 2011, I will become an aunt for the first time.  Not everything in my life is perfect, but the positives have been big ones.  I wonder what else 2011 has in store for me.

So without further ado, I wanted to give you some highlights from 2010 as seen through this blog.

1. Breaking up is Hard to Do – My first popular post.  This post was about my ex-boyfriend, and even though we broke up  more than 3 years ago, this post drew a lot of attention.  Of course, at the time, my blog was new, so readers were likely people who knew me who thought I broke up with my current boyfriend.  People love drama!  If you didn’t get to read this and you are going through or considering a break up, this post may be cathartic for you.

2. Woman’s Best Friend and I Don’t Mean Chocolate this Time – I introduced you all to my heart and soul in this post.  My lovely labrador retriever. I never had a dog growing up, so getting a dog when I was 23 was a major growing experience.  My dog has taught me how to enjoy to simple things in life and has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.  You can expect more posts about him in 2011 as he surprises me everyday.

3. Becoming Domesticated – I talked about living on my own, one of the biggest challenges of growing up.  I’ve lived on my own  for almost 4 years now and I’m still getting it together.  But the biggest change in my living arrangements in 2010 was when my boyfriend moved in with me this summer. I hope to bring more good news about our living situation in 2011, and I’m sure there will be some learning experiences to share along the way.

4. Divorcing Friends – I talked a lot about friends this past year, and I’m sure this will continue to be a hot topic for me as situations continue to change and consequently, relationships with friends.

5. Time Flies When you Love What You Do – I talked a lot about my career, something I am proud of.  I love what I do and I’ve worked hard to continue to offer my skills to the world in support of the greater good.  I have serious career goals, and I hope to inspire people with my experiences as I work to reach them.  It may be a bumpy road with a few more set backs, but I am still determined to succeed.

6. From Player to Prude – I talked about my changing perspective on relationships.  My 20s have looked very different than my teens did in this area and it’s interesting to see how my attitude has changed towards it. But I don’t want to forget how I once felt about things like this as one day I might have a daughter who needs a mother to relate to her as she sifts through her relationships.

As a teenager, I always kept a notebook so that I would remember how I felt and what I went through when I was young, so that when I was a mother I’d be able to support my children and help them make the best decisions they can.  Writing this blog has helped me to continue this process at another crossroads in my life that I think is important to remember.

Another year closer to thirty, another year closer to trying to reach my goals, and adjusting when life throws me a curveball.  Another year of realizing who I am, who I’m going to be, and what the world, and life, is really about.

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