Nothing As it Seems

March 7, 2014 at 4:19 pm | Posted in Life and Living | Leave a comment

The saying goes, “What screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of what it’s supposed to be.”  It’s something I repeat to myself time and time again as I walk through every day of this life, watching the picture I painted morph into something un-imagined.

The truth is, I’m a product of the culture and society I was raised in.  I was raised in a world that strives for happiness looking a certain way, a society that tells me what is right and what is wrong, not only by law, but by socially accepted “norms.”  Everyone is judging the decisions I make, even when they say they don’t, and I’ll say I don’t care, even when I do.  It’s the nature of society, in turn, humanity.  It’s the inherent need to “fit in” to what is socially acceptable.

So in this country of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,”  I find myself continually setting goals and expectations, and sometimes, no matter how hard I try, they are seemingly unattainable.  I picture things happening a certain way, I plan for things to happen a certain way, but inevitably some factor beyond my control comes into play, messing with my timeline, my end goal, my picture. I’m unprepared. I’m scattered. I don’t feel the way I thought I’d feel, the way I thought I’m supposed to feel.  I don’t know what that means, what any of it means, or if I’m supposed to do anything about it.

The only thing that is for sure is that life will continue on, and most things will change in their own time. You can try to make things happen, but sometimes things need to happen on their own timeline.  Sometimes things may seem to be going as planned, that the pictures we paint are pristine, but nothing is as it seems.

And none of this is new.  I’ve had many a picture altered, mangled and even destroyed.  I’ve had to pick up the pieces of many broken mirrors to see a new reflection.  Life is not linear.  What we think is meant to be in not always meant to be.  The pictures that we paint for others to see don’t tell the whole story.  There are many layers of paint to each picture and some things will never be uncovered. And that’s okay.

But with each setback, with each unexpected event or feeling, we have to adjust.  We have to continue to pursue happiness at whatever the cost.  We have to try to set aside judgement and recognize what makes us happy and keep at it. Because when we are happy, the picture we paint will be beautiful no matter what.

You Take the Good With the Bad

May 20, 2013 at 10:09 pm | Posted in Career Moves, Life and Living | 1 Comment
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Anyone who knows me well enough knows that it is rare for me to say I am happy. It’s not because I’m not a happy person. I have a certain paranoia when it comes to saying things are going well, and for good reason. Literally every single time something goes right it is accompanied with something going wrong. It is the great paradox of life — you take the good with the bad.

So with the happiness of finally moving and dealing with that happy stress, I have now learned that my assistant of the past two years has accepted a new position, his last day being the week I am moving. Everything really does happen all at once. While I am really truly happy for him, I’m terrified for me. I have come to rely on him heavily, and with our busy season gearing up at work, I can already feel myself getting overwhelmed. So between the stress of moving and the stress of things heating up at work, I also have to deal with a major loss. My assistant has not only been helpful in easing the workload and furthering the work, he has been a shining light in my day. It’s really a stretch to call him my assistant. He’s my colleague and more importantly my friend. I am seriously going to miss laughing with him every day.

It’s not the first time this has happened. I’ve seen many a close co-worker move on, and it’s never easy. But things change and people get better opportunities that they can’t pass up. Careers aren’t what they used to be. People just don’t stay at jobs for as long.

But I can’t help but feel as though so much is coming to an end. I’m 30 years old and I feel the change that I couldn’t predict. I knew leading up to 30 was one thing. But now I am 30 and I feel the transition. I feel the change in perspective. I am reflecting on what I want next from my life, what goals I want to achieve, and I am dealing with the obstacles that go along with it. This is just another set of obstacles on my path.

So when the dust settles, maybe then I’ll be able to confidently say I am happy without fear.

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