Marriage Year One: Frequently Asked Questions

October 9, 2013 at 9:34 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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Just a few days ago my husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary of being married.  At this major milestone, it feels like a major accomplishment.  It’s been quite a year, and the infamous, faceless, “they” always say the first year is the hardest.  There are definitely many unexpected feelings that occur during this first year that “they” never seem to get into detail about, but the questions are always the same.  Below is a compilation of the most common questions asked to newlyweds — and real answers!

1. How’s married life?

This question in reality is really just a more personal version of “how are you?”, a greeting of sorts that sometimes leads to small talk.  With this in mind, the correct answer to this question is “good.”  But really this question opens up a can of worms for me.  My typical response is “it’s an adjustment”  because God forbid I just put on that shit eating grin and say “good” and move on with my life.  I have to be real.  It IS an adjustment. I don’t care how long you’ve been together, if you have kids or live together already.  Being married is different.  There is a sense of permanency to it.  You have just made the biggest adult decision of your life up to this point (if you haven’t had kids).  This is something you probably thought about in one way, shape, or form, your whole life, and now that’s it’s here, it’s not what you expected.  It’s not bad, it’s just real.  Reality is a weird thing.  And even stranger, the life you once knew, the one where you made decisions just for you, didn’t plan for the future, didn’t consider someone else; the life where you always wondered who you would end up with, all of that wonder is gone in the blink of an eye.  Ironically, you are used to that wonder that probably turned to loneliness and Celine Dion tunes on more than one occasion, and living without it is just strange.  I guess the grass is always greener.  Don’t get me wrong — I am happily married, but in being truthful, my husband and I are both adjusting, separately and together, to the decision we made.

2. So when are you having kids?

So apparently we are still living in the dark ages where marriage obviously equates to having children.  Why else would you get married if not for procreation?  Because no one I know has had kids “out of wedlock”  (do people still say that?).  The question in and of itself is sort of presumptuous.  What if we just wanted to get married?

The truth is, I don’t know when we are having kid(s), if we are having kids.  There are some things I want to do first, like travel, go to more concerts, buy a kitchen table, maybe get a little further into my grad school program that I just started.  Right now, kids are not my top priority.

3.  But don’t you want to have kids?

Yes, I actually do want to have kids, very much so, but not yet.  I am not ready to give my life so fully to another human being.  I know there is no perfect time to have kids, but I just have some things I want to do first, things I want to get in order.  Also, I have to let me husband warm up to the idea first.  Right now, puppies are looking really cute.

4. Well, you know you aren’t getting any younger…

Ok, so this is not a question, but yes, I realize I have not discovered the major anti-aging capability that will keep my precious eggs from escaping me before I get to plant a seed, but I am only 30.  Once again, this is not the dark ages.  Women are living longer.  I can wait a little bit longer until I am ready.  I am pretty sure I’ll still have some eggs left. If not, science or adoption still exist, to the best of my knowledge.

Well, that’s it.  That’s the most common conversation I’ve had since I got married.  To be fair, I’m sure it’s a common conversation for newlyweds, and for my friends, they expect me to have a plan like I always have.  But this is a new ball game, and I’m in a new position.  I have very little idea as to what is going to come next.  I can try to make some strategic moves, but partly, I need to let life unfold a bit, and for the first time ever, I’m okay with not having a plan fully fleshed out.  So I guess we’ll see what happens next.

The First Holidays

August 23, 2012 at 7:38 am | Posted in Relationship Woes | Leave a comment
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Yes, I am completely aware that it is still the summertime, and I would be the last person to try to make it end sooner, so pardon the topic of today’s post. But it has happened quite a few times over the last week — people bringing up the holidays to me. What are you going to do for the holidays as the first year as a married couple? Even my best friend said she didn’t want to spend the holidays with me because she didn’t want to “intrude”.

To tell you the truth, this is clearly not one of the first thoughts in my mind — actually, it’s nowhere near the top of the list of things I’m concerned about after I get married. A lot of people have been saying to me “It’s different,” “you may want to start your own traditions,” and stuff like that. Well, I have a little story to tell you. My family and my fiance’s family are both very small. Both of our siblings have significant others who are from larger families, so what we have done for the holidays for the past several years is to bring together my parents and my fiance’s and celebrate just like that. In fact, if I remember correctly, the first time my parents met my fiance’s parents was on Christmas several years ago when we went to the diner together (the diner is of course where all Jews and non-religious folk flock in NY on Christmas).

So when I was asked about this, I was really caught off guard. I mean, I’m getting married in October. Thanksgiving is just a month away. Do people really expect me to be ready to start creating new traditions in a month? And why do I have to? My best friend has spent holidays with me before, so why wouldn’t she now? Why would I exclude anybody from the dinner table during the holidays?

Yes, I understand that it’s supposed to be special.  Everything in the first year of marriage is supposed to be special. But the people who are special to me aren’t changing right now. I’m not having kids, my family is not really growing, because our families have been connected in this way for a few years.

It will be special. I know it will be. I will be a wife. I get that. But I’m still me. And I will continue to welcome the people I love into my life any day of the year.

When I want special husband and wife time, I will make it. My friends, my fiance’s family, my family, they are all already my family, so I will continue to keep them close for as long as they will have me.

Married folk, feel free to tell me if I am missing something.

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